I often think that I’d like to die. No, I’m not suicidal…I’m actually way too lazy to be suicidal. I just have that thought that I really don’t want to be here and that I would welcome death should that be my fate today. It goes without saying that there is something deeply wrong with me. A lack of motivation, a lack of joy.
I look back on my life and I don’t have much to complain about. God has blessed me in many ways. I can look back with appreciation and gratitude but why can’t I feel joy?
I awake and my heart sinks. It’s another day. More chores. Deal with idiots on the highway. Perform a job that I’m blessed to have but where my heart is not. Put up with bs from entitled, egocentric and unrealistic customers. Deal with more idiots on the highway. Get home, cook diner. Then fight the duality of my existence….do I go to sleep and end my day of labors, obligations, disappointment and frustration? Do I stay awake and prolong the day? I desperately desire sleep but if I go to sleep then I will soon awake to another joyless day.
How can I fail so badly? How is it that despite knowing and accepting God, that my life seems a constant struggle? Intellectually I know the answers that each day is an opportunity to serve God. That each thing matters. But I’m just not feeling it most days. Can anyone relate? Am I alone in wondering why? Where is the joy?
I started off saying that I’d welcome death if that were my fate today. After reading several comments I see the answer why and I thank those who gave great advice. I would not fight for my life as I find no value in it. Some pointed out precisely that. Seek what adds value, embrace what promotes joy. I’m contemplating working on a masters degree and changing jobs. I would like to spend my time engaged in faith based counseling.
Brian,
It sounds like you aren't happy in your job and life situation. I've been in your situation many times.
But, if you're living in a Western nation, you can change your job and situation. You just need to find out what you'd like to do in life, and then make a change to pursue that course. It may not be easy, and it may mean a cut in pay, or having to move away from home, but if you're following your goal it'll be worth it. It's up to you.
But I can almost guarantee that if you decide not to set a goal and pursue it, your life won't change.