Some Changes are Subtle

Everyone has likely seen the kiss cam video by now. We take an almost unhealthy interest in seeing someone get caught and embarrassed. I watched it on TV with my wife this weekend and chuckled a bit, hey I’m human. I also felt a little tug at my conscience… several years ago, that could easily have been me. There were several years where duplicity, lies, cheating and a series of bad choices defined my reality.

I went through an emotionally draining divorce and doubled up on my drinking. I took all sorts of prescription drugs to deal with stress, depression, anxiety and sleeping issues. I was upside down and completely untrustworthy. I was like a Hunter Biden without the money, privilege or name. A moving train wreck.

I hit rock bottom in different ways over a couple of years. If you have read my previous articles you know my story. I will just give the cliff notes version here. I am (was) transgender. I was an alcoholic. I used and abused several prescription drugs and I was a serial cheater and liar. Yup, that CEO guy who got caught….totally me….well, except I didn’t get caught….it could easily have been me.

I reestablished my relationship with God a few years ago. I studied the Experiencing God book by Blackaby. Through that study and through the devotion of a handful of true Christian friends I came to know God in a way that was deeper than I had known before. I reconciled my past with God. He gave me a peace that let me set aside my anxiety over being transgender. I was able to flush my prescriptions and not miss them. I was able to give up a life long addiction to alcohol. Those are changes I can point to. Real and tangible changes that are dynamic and undeniable. I didn’t see the other changes.

I have remarried. My wife is well aware of my past and my struggles. We got together while I was still a mess and she saw and dealt with some of my ugliness. She was here during my recovery. She has seen the big changes too. So, now to the point of my story:

After we saw the kiss cam clip on TV I went out back to mow the lawn. I came in after doing half to get a cool bottle of water and rest a bit. As I sit down she says “ do you have something that you want to tell me? ‘. My mind goes into overdrive reviewing the last several days…what did I miss? Did I forget something important? I’m at a loss. You see, after seeing the kiss cam and knowing my past she got scared. Which, if you knew the old me is totally reasonable. She had found some texts on my phone between me and people in my recovery group. They are innocent but when looked at through lenses colored by my past, raised some questions in her mind.

I was caught a little off guard and quickly steeled myself for another argument that I could not win. It’s not unfair , I earned it. I was a little upset though. And then, I immediately felt peace. God gave me peace. There was no argument. No lies. No excuses. No gaslighting or blaming. I spoke with her about God. She brought up (rightly) that people can use God or church as a facade or camouflage to hide immoral or unethical behavior. I agreed with her. Her next question was how do I know that you aren’t doing that? My answer, you see me. You see my behavior these last few years. My words match my actions. It’s that subtle change, the important one. Knowing God and working to build a relationship with God transforms us in so many little ways. It’s easy to point at the big things but all those little things add up to make us someone new.

I thank God for all those big changes. My life is immensely better since coming back to God. People who didn’t see the train wreck version of Brian have stumped me at times when they say they see a changed me. They didn’t know the severely broken me. What they do see is the subtle work of God in me. A little each day. So little that I don’t see but obvious enough that others can see Gods work in me. How cool is that?

That’s when I really knew that I had changed. The big things, yea, God helped me give up drinking and stuff but the little? God didn’t just help me become a recovered alcoholic, He transformed me into a new person over time. He is still transforming me in new and important ways. I may not see those small subtle changes but my life is evidence.

This story isn’t just about me. It’s about all of us that seek to know God better. Sometimes we focus on the big changes or the big assignments that we totally overlook the little everyday ones. God is at work everywhere, every day in every little way. Don’t take the little for granted.