In my mind, I am often the Hero. Much of my time is spent in an open ended daydream. I read science fiction and fantasy novels and dream of a different life. I play RPGs like D&D or Traveller and dream of being that extraordinary person that I am not. It’s ok to immerse yourself in those things, stretch those mental muscles and creative tools. They are not reality though and when they encroach upon reality we need to take a step back.
I was reading out of the book of Matthew this morning. I read of Jesus healing people, walking on water and calming a storm. My first thought was not of God but myself. I thought, wow, I’d love to be able to do stuff like that. How cool would that be? For a gamer nerd and scyfy geek those thoughts can be ok within a certain context but not when studying Gods words.
My shame at such a romantic and presumptions thought led me to reflect upon the nature of Jesus. I would very much like to be more like Him but to envy and covet the power that is His? Could I even manage such power? Jesus does so many miraculous and wonderful things but at what cost? He bears upon His heart all the hurts of the world, He carries the weight of all the sin. Not just the hurts and sins of today but all the sins and hurts from all the yesterdays and tomorrow’s that exist.
There are days where I struggle to carry my own hurt and sin. There a few days I can manage to look outside myself and extend that in limited ways to some family and a few friends for very brief moments. My soul would be permanently crushed by the immense hurt and sin of the world if exposed for even one millisecond and yet He carries it all, millennia worth.
I am a dreamer but I am no hero.
I also have the Walter Mitty syndrome. Some nights my mind is outta control and I have to let the stories burn down. I am learning to let guilt and failure drop away by leaving my luggage at the last train station and going forward without anything.